Going out when you no longer drink
Time to Party!
On Friday night my partner and I had dinner plans at a swanky spot in Montclair, NJ. People were eating, having fun, drinking, etc. Being the nosy observant person I am, I noticed something. While the people who were drinking were wrapping up their meals and getting their checks, their attitudes were changing. They seemed guardedly annoyed. You'd catch a half-hearted smile on their face or a slight eye-roll they didn’t want their friends to catch. The ones indicative of a passive-aggressiveness that they might have been unaware of. Others were slightly more curt and eager to go. Or at least that's the vibe that my sober brain was getting from their body language. I, on the other hand, had a great time. Amazing food and company coupled with a very cooooll atmosphere.
Following that, we went to my favorite live music stage in Northern NJ. Also in Montclair. I haven't been there since before I stopped drinking 8 years ago because I used to get smashed at the place multiple times a week for years. Surprisingly, I didn't have to pay a cover because they remembered me. Wow. They might have figured I was going to ring up a $200 tab. Unfortunately for them, I didn't even order a water and no longer own PartyLikeaRAWKstar.com which used to promote the venue. But hey, I was happy to see some old friends who still worked there. Also…. Thank you for taking care of us at the door even though that site now just forwards you to this site. Seriously, I do love those people.
Montclair State University was wrapping up the semester so there were a ton of people at this college-dominant nightlife mecca for cover bands drinking themselves stupid. I can deal with the irritation of drunk college students so that really wasn't too much of an issue. However, I did recognize how the people who were chugging drinks and bumping into people around them were being looked at. You'd then see them try to talk to the girl or guy next to them with no realization of how they spent the last 20 minutes irritating them by jumping up and down while spilling their beers all over others. I also, thought back on the massive hangovers I would get from drinking at this place. I did not envy the hangovers they would have the next day. I, on the other hand, had a great time, seeing some old friends, dancing, and singing along to the band, with zero headache the next morning.
Afterwards, we went to a reunion party of a legendary punk club. A different place I hung out at quite a bit. The club is no longer around but the reunion was at another venue in Montclair. I gave a big hug to some old friends at this spot but we didn’t stick around this one for too long. The, limited, crowd was filled with the former punk heads whose chugging days are more than a quarter century behind them. They were still dancing but, as one might imagine, they weren’t moving as fast as they used to.
All in all, it was a great night. I had a lot of fun, smiled, danced, “loved, laughed, lived” (yaakk).
The next day….
So the stark contrast was the very next day. Saturday, I woke up (with no hangover) showered, and headed to a holiday party for the Mental Health Association of Passaic County. Thanks for the invite, Denny! The MHAPC has given us space to run in-person SMART Recovery meetings for years now, so why not come out and support what THEY do. I got to meet the kids and parents of their clients. Some with little resources of their own, especially mental health resources. Such a great community to be around.
A side benefit was getting to hang out with some new and old people from our local meeting in a more casual environment. I wasn’t doing the mental calculus I normally do in a meeting. There was less of the Motivational Interviewing thought process and more of the, “Hey, where’d you grow up?” vibe. We have some awesome people in those meetings…. MAN do I love the community you get from smaller meetings.
There was some dancing and fun activities and a lot of food. A big guy with a red suit and white beard showed up for the younglings. And there was a contest. yaaaaay... They gave us some decorations and every table had to pick someone to dress up as a Christmas tree. Why…. Why is it always me… (cough Cognitive Distortion cough).
The judges were on duty Clifton Police. Before I even moved away from the table they started in on me about how terrible I looked. We had spoken earlier and realized that we knew each other from the “before days” when I was running around every bar. To be honest though, I was competing with a bunch of the cutest little kids with reindeer antlers and elf hats. Also… my “meeting friends” (I’m doing giant air quotes on that one even while typing this) didn’t really dress me up to win. I looked like I was being held captive in the back of a mall Santa setup. (SEE ALEX, the cops aren’t ALWAYS wrong.) I mean… the police didn’t rescue me either.
SO yeah… I wasn’t one of the winners in the contest. Hell of a lot of fun though.
Local recovery community
Next, I went to my recovery homegroup holiday potluck. There are a handful of us who meet up every month at one of the members’ houses. I sit around people with DECADES of recovery and talk about everything and anything. It’s so important to me that I have a group of people with decades of recovery experience in my circles. One of them has been sober as long as I’ve been alive, and the one with the least amount of time has like six years on me. I LOVE this every month but this time people broke out all the stops. The food and people are BEST and my recovery knowledge benefits from just being around them.
Back to Montclair
I also had an invite, back to Montclair, for a big recovery group’s holiday party. Thanks Tom P.! Dinner was wrapping up so let’s see what Tom is up to. I heard about this thing for years but never made it a priority to go. It’s not my home group and I’ve been to like 2 meetings with them and I didn’t expect much. It started hours earlier when I was at the potluck. I figured it would have been winding down and maybe a couple dozen people were left, so I’d say hi and head off. NOPE!
When I walked in I saw a bunch of people from groups that I go to and a bunch more of people I didn’t know. There was a DJ, people were dancing and partying. Wow, how have I missed this for the past 8 years of recovery? There were people I had never met, people I hadn’t seen since before COVID, people who I see every week at my home groups, and even people who I used to know who I never knew got clean and sober.
I ended up running into a guy who disappeared out of the club scene way back in the day. I had no idea what happened to him. He used to be one of the heads that would end up at the after-parties at my house and then one day… he vanished. Turns out he was getting sober. Changing his life. It was great to see him.
When I was like 16-17 I DJed a 12-step sober party but I barely remember it. When I got into recovery I thought there were going to be a bunch of these, but I haven’t really found one in my area. It turns out, that if you look you can find them. And in this case, I wasn’t even looking and I found one.
These two days made it so clear to me that I have a LOT of fun hanging out sober.
It was obvious how others were getting hammered and not realizing the costs of getting wrecked when they could have been having fun without it.
Friday, I hit a few spots where most people were drinking, and I had fun. Saturday I hit a few spots where no one was drinking and everyone had fun without consequences. I don’t regret the fun I had in the past but maybe it would have still been fun without getting messed up. I’m really happy that I do it sober now. I don’t have to deal with the arguments, fights, drama, headaches, hangovers, or empty bank accounts anymore. We get to choose how we live these brief moments we have on the skin of this tiny rock. Which one do you want to choose?
I doubt many of you have made it all the way to the end of this but if you have …. POINTS!!! Just mention the article in our Discord Community and ask for points. :-D. If you haven’t checked it out yet, come hang with thousands of us there who are helping each other realize this stuff.
